Me? Control Freak?

A few weeks ago my cousin shared with me about a blog she reads frequently - a very interesting lady she doesn't even know. In her words she "stalks" her! LOL! Well, after visiting this site for myself, I am now one of her faithful stalkers as well! This lady is precious. She is the mother of triplets and writes in a way that you feel you are right there with her. She speaks with wisdom and humility - very often sharing how God is teaching her through some normal day to day happening.

A few days ago, during my daily stalk, I was reading her blog entry, "Control." Her words have been replaying over and over in my mind. She definitely hit a chord with me. It was though I was reading about myself...although I didn't want to admit it.

Some background: I freely admit that I am a very structured person that does best on a routine. Organization is key to successful functioning throughout my day. Efficiency is my best friend....and progress is my favorite reward. These are all things that most people who know me would say about me. I've become pretty content that this is just the way I am. As I get older, it seems that I have become even more so....to the point that if things aren't running smoothly (i.e. organized and efficient) I completely shut down, unable to "just roll with it."

My husband has recently come to the conclusion, after analysing all the data...that I have a problem - "I always have to be in control." I argued that it was not about control...I just like things to be done right.

THEN - I read Mrs. J Scott's blog. Could it be that I am really a control freak. Is my problem not OCD? But instead that I must be IN CONTROL? That sounds so...so...so aggressive and mean....not the humble, gentle, submissive little christian wife that I want to be. Oh gosh!

An example, and the very thing that caused Scott to come to this conclusion: It is nearly impossible for me to sit in the passenger seat while he is driving and not correct his driving - telling him to slow down, warning him that the person in front of us has their break lights on, instructing him that you need a car length for every 10 mph between you and the car in front of you, advising him when he "needs" to pass.....need I go on? I've tried, very hard, to not say anything- but then it comes out anyway.

I justify this urge to help him drive as protecting my own safety, making him aware of what he is doing because obviously he is focused on something other than driving....blah, blah, blah...

Funny how I'm not nearly as concerned with my safety when we are in HIS vehicle rather than mine...hmmmm?!!!?

As I have pondered this...my mind begins to wonder....why am I so compelled to be in control? Am I doomed to be the way I am? What if I don't want to be that way? Can I really be something different? Can I really change something inside of me that is so natural to who I am???? What else do I need to change? What other characteristics do I have that are repulsive? Geez! This is a little overwhelming. Remember, I like nice, neat little packages that are organized..simple answers...things I can CONTROL. Ugh...that is such an ugly word.

OK, God, I'm begging here. Search me and show me. I know it is not me who can change myself...but only You...by Your guidance and Holy Spirit. I need to let go and trust you. Chill out. Loosen up. Why do I force my own personal standards on everyone else? I would certainly hate for someone else's impossible standard to be placed on me.

I guess the first step is admitting I have a problem. Calling it what it IS - and not just my innocent determination for the whole world to be organized.